Did I see the bald eagle?
We will get to that in a minute.
First, there was a lot of mockingbird attitude going on in the front yard today.
Dude was all over the suet.
He was not a happy camper when the starlings moved in.
“Back off, you stupid starlings!”
“I mean it!!!”
“OH, I don’t THINK so…”
“Okay, okay, we get the hint!”
“I rule this suet, because I am Mr. Yellow-Eyed Fluffy Pants.”
“And I want THAT berry right THERE.”
“What a beautiful specimen of my species I am.”
Meanwhile, over in the crabapple, a cardinal dozed off…if you look close, you can see his nictating membrane.
Over in the back yard, I saw snow shadows. See the snow by the fence? The trees shielded it from the warm sun, and voila..snow shadows.
A flock of robins were tossed the leaves under the maples. I thought I would help them out by sweeping the leaves away from the base of the trees. They approved.
Now, onto the eagle: This is not an eagle. Just a red-tailed hawk.
I used my temporary scope (I so don’t want to give it back) to check out the action at the gravel pits. I saw:
Coots
Ruddy ducks
Redheads
Buffleheads
Ring-Necked ducks
A female American wigeon, I think…some birders have seen a Eurasian wigeon here, but I was too far away to really be sure.
While scoping, a car pulled up behind me. A fellow birder came up and asked what I was seeing. She asked if I was looking for the eagle. Turns out that she had just seen it about 2 miles down the road. Hopped in the car and went searching.
Did I see the bald eagle?
YEP.
Did I get a picture of it?
NOPE.
Damn. I will try again.
Happy Groundhog Day/Full Moon.
I have wanted to bring up something for quite a while. I have had a post in draft mode for ages, but haven’t posted it because it didn’t feel right.
Lynne brought up her past use of antidepressants in a comment last night, and I love her for it. I know you all like me, so I feel safe in talking about my mental health.
I have been in therapy off and on since I was 13. First it was for motivation in school (IQ tests to show that I definitely had the brains, and realizing that I was just not being challenged enough) and a few years back when I was pregnant with Isabelle, a new therapist. He did nothing for me. Then, 3 years ago I found my soul-mate therapist. She has seen me through my Dad’s passing, my anger, my depression.
I have been on antidepressants for 2 years now, and it seems to be working…except for the times that I react in ways that are not appropriate for the situation. I don’t let these feelings out when I am away from my family, such as at a RAPTOR program or out in public. My safety zone is my family, and unfortunately my family also takes the brunt of my anger. I am not abusive, I do not hit, but I yell and I say things in ways I don’t mean. The meds have reduced my depression and it feels great. (It looks like I have needed this for years, since high school)
Where does all this stem from? Partly, a chemical imbalance in my brain that I can’t help. And partly, a crappy relationship that nearly squashed my self-esteem. When I was 16, I was dating a 22 year old man. Why would a man want to date a 16 year old? You can figure that out.
I wouldn’t get into details. I will just say that he was not a nice person. He was mean and abusive.
That relationship colored every other one to come along. Thank goodness Geoff is understanding. He obviously saw past all my baggage to look into my soul and saw the small, undamaged part of me. He taught me that I was worth loving.
The only thing in the way of me becoming the person I really am inside is that the meds and therapy aren’t helping 100%. My therapist wants me to see someone else, to determine if I have “soft bi-polarity”. Lovely. I don’t think I am, but everyone I have told about it has NOT been surprised. I am not the type you see on TV shows…I just have mood swings from Hell. I am not Mother of the Year sometimes. I am not the wife that Geoff deserves. But I can be. I feel it. I want that.
So there you are. I’m not perfect, and I don’t think anyone expects me to be. But I could be happier. You guys, who read my blog, see the side that I truly am, the ME that shows up in small bursts. The loony, fun, sweet Me. I want to invite her to stay forever.
